All Hail the Bitch

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free pradaBy Letitia Jones

Why does no one ever celebrate the Bitch in films? That sexy, and sarcastic female that is set against the main heroine. The Bitch drives the action forward and usually has a few good laughs for us; often, gets the best one-liners, completely overshadowing the main characters of the film. She may be as shallow as a kiddie pool on a hot Texas day, but who needs depth when we get lines like, “I gave him everything. I was half a virgin when I met him!”- Regina King.

With the witty comebacks and textbook smirks the audience rarely gives the Bitch her cinematic due. She is the villain we are supposed to like, though we secretly want to be her. Well I say, “Off with their heads!” It’s high time for us to salute the Bitch. If you are brave enough to admit you find the Bitch funny and a tad charming, join me in giving the Bitch her proper due. All hail the Bitch!

Baroness Rodmilla DeGhent in EverAfter

The Baroness actually started off capturing our sympathy. Her brand-new husband dropped dead right before her eyes on her second day in her new home. However, our sympathy quickly turned as she demoted her step-daughter from family-member to servant. We might have been able to forgive her – I mean who among us wouldn’t want a servant that doesn’t make waves and sleeps in the fireplace? Rodmilla – in true Bitch form – used her womanly wiles of seduction and manipulation to further her plans; but made the equally fatal mistakes of lying to the Queen and underestimating her step daughter.

Best Bitch Quote: “Darling, nothing is final ’til you’re dead, and even then, I’m sure God negotiates.”

Madison Lee in Charlie’s Angles: Full Throttle 

The ‘fallen angel’ Madison Lee was once an ass-kicking member of the Angels, but a mission gone wrong left her shot up and bitter. (A cautionary tale: always wear your bullet proof push-up bra. It’s a girl’s best friend!) Did Madison Lee sit around and get fat like many of us would have done? Hell no! She waited patiently, kept in amazing shape and hit those overly sweet Angels like a ton of bricks. With a pair of gold plated 9mm, in a pair of killer heels she shot her partner in crime and tried to have a cute little kid murdered. She was a cold-hearted bitch in a beach bunny body.

Best Bitch Quote: “Why be an Angel when I can play God?”

O-Ren Ishii in Kill Bill Vol. 1

What could be worse than a so-called friend who turns up at your wedding rehearsal to kick your behind and then kill your entire wedding party? At first glance O-Ren inspired our sympathy: she saw both her parents brutally murdered; driven and shaped by that brutality, she launched herself into the world of murder as a premier assassin and killed the man responsible. You don’t get any more badass than that, but no, she was a Bitch with dreams and the Tokyo underworld was in her crosshairs. O-Ren was the epitome of one of our favorite Bitch qualities: assertiveness.

Best Bitch Quote: “Now, if any of you sons of bitches got anything else to say, now’s the fucking time!” (beat) “I didn’t think so.”

Miranda Priestly in The Devil Wears Prada

Miranda Priestly is the top Bitch because she ruled her kingdom with a silver bob and a curl of her lip, manifesting all of the essential bitch qualities: she was brilliant, manipulative, uncaring and used her razor-sharp wit to the detriment of everyone who crossed her path. Never once did she raise her voice over the decibel of a  whisper, a brilliant show of power. Miranda Priestly is the Head Bitch in charge of an entire industry. No one makes a move without seeking her blessing. With a single facial expression she can send a designer back to the drawing board to recreate an entire collection. Who does that! The Bitch in Prada.

Best Bitch Quote: “I thought you would be different. I said to myself, go ahead. Take a chance. Hire the smart, fat girl. I had hope. My God. I live on it. Anyway, you ended up disappointing me more than, um- more than any of the other silly girls.”

Letitia Jones is a first year MA student studying Creative Writing. She is a rabid bibliophile, film and TV fanatic and a bit of a foodie, gourmet burgers being her favorite. She is enjoying a fulling relationship with her Netflix and Hulu accounts. You can find Letitia on twitter: @EggHeadJones 

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aAh! Magazine is Manchester Metropolitan University's arts and culture magazine.

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