Student Harry Spindler shares his experience of Biopolar disorder.

By Harry Spindler

For many, the best years of your life are the last few spent at secondary school. What could possibly bring you down? Most of my friends were content, or outwardly so, with the direction they were going in. Some were working, studying or sneaking into pubs and having a great time. They were all experiencing life and enjoying it to the full. Meanwhile, I was halfway through my teenage years and starting to become comfortable with myself regarding girls, my friends, and clear on who I wanted to be in life.

In most people’s opinions, I had no right to not be enjoying life. I had similar experiences to most 16-year-olds, and yet sometimes I felt that I had no control over my emotions. I hadn’t noticed that many people felt that one of my best qualities was the raw mania I showed when I was happy. My pure unadulterated excitement to things helped brighten up other people’s moods, and yet within an hour of that excitement, I could be on the verge of wanting to lock myself away and close off my mind to the world, hopefully never to see it again.

What could possibly be at work in my mind to make me feel that way? In all honesty, I just felt that it was puberty playing around with me. I swept my fears under the rug and carried on with my life. I later discovered that this is something that many people do, but by bottling up your fears and emotions, you risk more disruption further down the road. This bottling up technique worked for me for a month or two longer until I went through a rough relationship break up.

As a 16-year-old who had just been dumped after being cheated on, I was confused, particularly in terms of other people’s perception of me. I started to panic. My panic started to feel like it was engulfing me and I believed that life couldn’t possibly get any better. Within a few months of being at the lowest I’ve ever felt in life, my parents started to question what was wrong with me and why I hadn’t got over it. I didn’t know why I hadn’t, I didn’t even care.

It all climaxed one night, the night I was at my weakest. The next day I broke down to my mum and told her how I was because I didn’t understand the feelings I was experiencing. I tell her every single horrible thought that has rushed through my head and how hard it has been to try and shrug it off, to look strong for so many people and yet in that one moment of letting it all out, I felt the strongest I had in months.

Before this experience, I had never understood mental illness and in truth, I was one of the people who scoffed at the idea of it. I felt that if you had a mental illness you were a psychopath or a villain like the ones in comic books I used to read. Going to see a specialist at the CAMHS unit (Child Adolescent Mental Health Services) following the advice from my doctor, a wave of questions rushed through my head. Was I insane? Why can’t I control how I feel? How is this going to affect my A-Levels? Within my first one-hour session, I felt progress was made. I didn’t feel as if my whole issue was gone, or that I no longer had any troubles, but I did feel as if I was in the right direction for the first time in a long time. I carried on going to see them as much as I could over the next few months. I felt that I was getting better, I still suffered from setbacks, like many people do, but I felt closer each day to getting back to the same old me. This was until they started to explain to the reasons for what I had gone through.

Bipolar disorder is the mental illness which can cause a person to have extreme periods of emotion, divided between manic depression and mania. I could suffer for weeks on end, feelings of worthlessness and potential suicidal thoughts, coupled with periods of mania and over-excitement, would overwhelm me. I could be easily swept along for a ride and spend money on things I couldn’t possibly afford, with no control over my emotions. I had bottled every fear and issue up for so long, that I just couldn’t cope anymore, the weight on my shoulders had broken me. I had lost the ability to control my emotions because I refused to allow someone else to carry some of my burdens.

Writing down my experiences still hurts in many ways because I don’t know if I would be in the same boat if I had alleviated some of the stress I carried around for so long. Do I wish I could go back? Not one bit. Addressing and working to improve my mental health has made me so much stronger as a person. I’ve grown closer to people I’d barely spoken to before, after sharing what happened to me.

Once I was able to come to terms with this hurdle, I leapt over it. I needed to move forward because I knew I couldn’t let it stop me. At 16, with my life ahead of me, I needed to find myself once again. Once I managed to do that, I knew what I wanted to do with myself; I had to help people. I went on to speak in front of my whole school, not for a pat on the back or praise for my strength, but to show anonymous sufferers listening to me that there is strength in numbers and that you do not have to suffer alone, you shouldn’t suffer alone. Help is out there.

Suffering isn’t a burden gifted to an individual. It isn’t something we have to lock away in a closet and leave it there until it bursts from that closet door, it’s something we have to share with those we care about and those who care for us. I’m sharing my experiences because I remember being young and diagnosed with something I didn’t understand, something that I can’t say I fully understand now. I want to help anyone who feels they are in a position where they don’t know who to turn to and show them there is support out there for when they’re ready to talk.

Counselling, Health and Wellbeing Service at Manchester Met can assess, offer counselling, wellbeing and health advice, as well as refer students and liaise with other services.

Samaritans (116 123) operates a 24-hour service available every day of the year. If you prefer to write down how you’re feeling, or if you’re worried about being overheard on the phone, you can email Samaritans at jo@samaritans.org .

Childline (0800 1111 ) runs a helpline for children and young people in the UK. Calls are free and the number won’t show up on your bill.

PAPYRUS (0800 068 41 41) is a voluntary organisation supporting teenagers and young adults who are feeling suicidal.

The Sanctuary (0300 003 7029 ) helps people who are struggling to cope – experiencing depression, anxiety, panic attacks or in crisis. You can call them between 8pm and 6am every night.